5 Months

Today I find myself thinking back to December 12, 2008 and what we were doing at 9:29 pm. We were in the hospital, laboring for our youngest baby to be born, still.

My life has categories of time (like, childhood/growing up). Then my teenage years, divided by "before I met Brandon" or "after I met Brandon" (like, when I last went to Disneyland, "I think it was the year before I met Brandon"). Then we have the "before Brandon's mission", or "when we first got married". There was not a name for the time when we were starting our family, but there is definitely a distinction known as "before the twins" and "after the twins". Now I have a new dividing life event. Before we lost the baby, and after we lost the baby.

I don't refer to my sweet baby as Ella. I call her "the baby", or "my baby". I think it is too personal to call her by name. I always think of her as my Ella Marie, but this is something I keep close to me, and separate from all others, even my closest friends.

Knowing how different my life is from what we had expected sometimes takes my breath away. It has been 5 months since I laid my baby, dressed and wrapped in love-filled, homemade things; yet it feels like no time has passed. I am so often in a fog of life. I am doing what I have to for my family, and others around me, but I am not acting my true feelings. I don't know how to do that. I have always kept things inside me, and this is no different. I smile, and chat cheerfully, but the sparkle and passion for life is not in it. I am acting a part.

I hate that my life is this. I hate that one of the differentiating time frames will forever be "before" or "after" the baby.

My sweet angle, I love You. I wish I could have you with me. I long to hold and snuggle you. I will never again nurse a baby. I will never again teach a baby to sit, crawl, walk, say new words. I will never again be whole.