Poem without a Name

To those who look away
when I grow teary-eyed in the baby department,
look a little deeper.
Surely you have some compassion in your heart.

To those who change the subject
when we speak our baby's name,
change your way of thinking.
It just might change your whole life.

To those who roll their eyes and say
that we barely had her at all,
how could we miss her so much,
in our hearts we have seen her live a thousand times.
We have seen her first steps,
her first day of school,
her wedding, and her children.
We have had her forever in our minds.

To those who say we can have another, we did.
I thank God for that everyday,
but even if I have twenty more babies,
I will forever have one in the grave,
and that is one too many.

To those who say to get on with my life, I have.
It is a different life,
the life of a grieving mother.
One with a tremendous amount to be thankful for,
but also one with a lot to mourn the loss of!

Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young,
but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks,
she cleans, she works,
she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

Do not dismiss us;
we have shaped more than just the future generation.
We have released all the tiny angels who are watching over you.
Open your eyes to US,
and you just might see THEM.

-Author Unknown

Ella Marie

Today marks the 7 month anniversary of my Ella's birth, and death. I miss her so much.

Pity Party

I would like to invite you all to my pity party. It is happening right now. I don't know why, or what triggered it, I am just sad.
Church is so hard. I go to sacrament with the family, but I cannot stay for the whole block. I get too emotional and there are too many babies. I don't know what to do to change this. I just am usually down Sunday evening, and quite often into Monday. But today is especially, ummm, sad. I want to curl up and be alone. But, my four restless kids will have none of that!
Some days it is easy to be content and find joy in my regular life. I can see the sun shining, or even the rain clouds, and be happy. I am patient and loving and understanding of my kids. I am a great person.
BUT...then the tide changes, or the phases of the moon, or whatever. I find no joy in my fun bright flowers we just planted (that I got for free)! I look at my scrapbook corner and don't care that I could work on stuff...I should be too busy with a baby to work on stuff. Doing things with my kids is torture (can't you just entertain yourself for a while?). Today is one of those days.
I am hoping to wake up on a different side of the bed tomorrow.